Saturday, January 21, 2006

And I was gone...


Do you ever wish you could turn back the hands of time and recreate a particular past…

If I have that chance to do so, I think I’m going to take the plunge.

These couple of weeks is one of the most hellhole feelings I have ever felt in my entire existence…a phase of utter confusion, dismal mental torment and emotional exhaustion all geared into a cycle of bleak perspective.

The amusing thing is I don’t know what the hell my freakin’ problems are. It’s as if I’m being caught up into a mental purgatory or abyss, that no amount of soul searching could ever quench my thirst of worthiness.

That void inside my being is expanding like a black hole enveloping a once lighted universe…devouring any budding hope of significance and spreading its eternal blackness to pure nothingness.

It’s like being the last straw of wheat to be harvested or the last light bulb to be clicked off.

Am I clinically insane or just going through some deep waters?

When will this phase end?

Is there something to look forward to?

Am I worth the time waiting for that great “Finally?”

If I could just zap myself and have that temporary feeling of nothingness

…of being numb for a single day

…of being able to have a clean tabula rasa

…of being gone
But to be revived and lived to talk about it.

There are more questions now than the half empty answers I could find. Maybe this feeling of indescribable nothingness all wields up to my ultimate evolution-- of finding my reason for living. …of finding my old “me” when time stopped and I was honestly happy, contented and loved.

Am I leading a life of sheer quiet desperation?


3 Comments:

Blogger nancycy said...

hey jef,

thanks for commenting on my blog...it gave me a chance to mosey over to yours. I read one of your entries, and then had to read another, and then another...and...then...another. :) I appreciate your thoughts and respect your desire to express your feelings and emotions. There is a freedom in doing that...and being able to do that. Screw that box society tries to close you guys up in! he he :)

But, sadly, I think, that there are alot of folk out there who don't know how to really identify what it is they're feeling, let alone, put their thoughts and feelings into words. We're fortunate to be able to do so. And you do it so well. :)

Yeah, i think we have all wanted to turn back the clocks at some point/s in our lives. We have all...or WILL all make lousy decisions in our lives...its just a matter of time i suppose. As cliche as it is, I guess the best we can do is learn from our anguish and/or disapointment as a result of "not the best" choices, and then hope that we have the chance to make different...better choices in the future. The slap in the face though is...we're not all promised second chances. Life is full of surprises...some good...some bad. Life is all about making decisions...every day, every minute. Some are routine and will serve little to no consequence in the end, but some are great and can essentially, decide our paths in life. What if we can't see the enormity of a decision we're making at the time we're making it? What if hindsight is the only thing that can show us its impact? oh well...just things to think about...maybe outloud. :)

6:59 PM  
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