And I was gone...

Do you ever wish you could turn back the hands of time and recreate a particular past…

If I have that chance to do so, I think I’m going to take the plunge.

These couple of weeks is one of the most hellhole feelings I have ever felt in my entire existence…a phase of utter confusion, dismal mental torment and emotional exhaustion all geared into a cycle of bleak perspective.

The amusing thing is I don’t know what the hell my freakin’ problems are. It’s as if I’m being caught up into a mental purgatory or abyss, that no amount of soul searching could ever quench my thirst of worthiness.

That void inside my being is expanding like a black hole enveloping a once lighted universe…devouring any budding hope of significance and spreading its eternal blackness to pure nothingness.

It’s like being the last straw of wheat to be harvested or the last light bulb to be clicked off.

Am I clinically insane or just going through some deep waters?

When will this phase end?

Is there something to look forward to?

Am I worth the time waiting for that great “Finally?”

If I could just zap myself and have that temporary feeling of nothingness

…of being numb for a single day

…of being able to have a clean tabula rasa

…of being gone

But to be revived and lived to talk about it.

There are more questions now than the half empty answers I could find. Maybe this feeling of indescribable nothingness all wields up to my ultimate evolution-- of finding my reason for living. …of finding my old “me” when time stopped and I was honestly happy, contented and loved.

Am I leading a life of sheer quiet desperation?