the way life works

My little bro is graduating in high school this April. Wow! it made me realize how old I am…and it freaked me out that indeed my cells are rapidly replicating themselves and pushing me to geezer hood before I could ever say “time out”.

It’s been seven years since I stepped myself out from high school and it made think all the dreams and wishes that didn’t make through; dreams that silently vanished and washed away across the ocean of reality.

My first choice in college and up to now, my dream job is to work in an advertising firm. I know I have the germ of artistry to back up my desire but due to financial constraints, I reckon that it’s not worthy to pursue such monumental feat. So, instead of using an adobe Photoshop or a digital camera, my dad bought a 700 peso worth of scientific calculator and I ended up finishing Accountancy.

At first it was a torture going to each class and grudgingly computing the financial statements of Company ABC and Income Statements of Mr. 123. I just don’t get the point really! Though I think I excelled at some areas, my calling, I believe, was not to worn out a calculator and balance each account. But realizing further, I started to love my course and as if fate had a sick humor, I was elected as the Regional President of our accountancy student organization holding 1000 students across the region. I managed to finish my course eventually and considered taking up the CPA Licensure exam.

And Yes! I did…so off I went to Manila to review. It was a brutal game mind you! I never experienced such intense pressure. I lose weight dramatically and had experienced mumbling solutions in my dreams. I plucked every fiber of conviction that I will pass the board because I am doing my part and kicking my butt off to review. Again, fate made a visit but hilarity did not ensue.

She shook my consciousness off by saying that I failed. It was hard to accept, believe me and up until now, I blocked my mind in reckoning the feeling of sheer disappointment. What bothers me most during that time was I felt that it’s not only me who failed but it seems that I also failed my family. I believe my passing of the board will be a good parting gift to my aging parents. They are the main reason why I pushed myself to the limit and muster the remaining strength to finish the race so to speak. And life did go on…but something deep inside me withered and died.

That was the first time I discovered also that I am not holding my destiny after all and it’s an utter arrogance to say the least, that I am the master of my faith…the captain of my soul. And even if how hard you work, sometimes those things or events that you want most cannot be materialized because simply, it wasn’t meant to be.

Though, all these ephemeral disappointments come and go what I’ve learned most about all these series of events was this absolute truth: family will always be there.

I’m still learning to accept my reality as it is but I don’t plan my life now with a matter-of-fact approach…instead I carve my dreams and wishes nowadays across the walls of my heart and buff it with a simple prayer that His will shall be done.