For the Gals: 10 things to do to ditch the guy away.

1. Be Needy—the overwhelmingly dependent leech: Send him notes upon notes via text or email messages stating that you can’t live without him. Call him every 15 minutes telling him that you miss him already. When you’re together, do not lose grip with his touch. Hug him like you will never see him again. Make a T-shirt with his face printed all over—it’s a declaration of your undying love. If your boy will not run to get a visa bound to Timbuktu, then I suggest you do the same…run!

2. Borrow a Baby: If the needy card wouldn’t nudge him to give you up. Borrow someone else’s baby. At your date, introduce your boyfriend to the baby. “Look here my angel, here is your new daddy!” Tell him that you are currently processing the papers for his legal adoption to your baby and you are already using his surname for the baby’s doctor’s appointment. Ask him for monthly support!

3. The twin: Put a little lump of play dough just above your shoulder. Tell your boy that the lump is actually the head of your undeveloped twin sister.

4. Be psycho: Get the names and numbers of his female coworkers and drop them a message that you are going to skin them alive should they try to talk to him. In addition, spray a chicken blood to his door and tell him that an evil spirit is trying to break you apart.

5. Be an animal activist: When he orders food with meat, sob vigorously and ask him to pray with you the souls of the animals that were slaughtered. Tell him that you don’t eat food with shadows. Give him the pictures of your farm friends—recalling all their names and birthdates and ask him to name the 30 chicks, 17 piglets and 25 ducks you currently have back home.

6. Be a Control Freak: Make a daily time records of his schedule---from the time he pee, brush, shave and up to the last detail of wiping his ass. Appoint a specific time when to call you [every 15 minutes] and prepare a 50 year plan of your marriage, covering the period when you will have your children to their own weddings to the baptisms of your grandchildren. List the names of the group of people you are going to be friends with—deleting the names of his time-tested friends.

7. Be a Goth: Wear only black. Black gowns, black nails, dark make-ups…you name it! Be a tortured poet—making Shakespeare, Kant and Emerson as your life’s hero. Always talk about death and the insignificance of your life. Nothingness is your virtue. Every time he cracks a smile, cry nonstop and tell him that world is coming to an end so there is no need to be happy.

8. Pretend to have ESP: When you two are together, admit to him that you can actually see dead people. Make up a story about a dead girl visiting you at night crying for justice. Tell him that a female spirit is following him everywhere and a headless guy is making his doorsteps his sanctuary. Pretend to have a seizure—and don’t forget to chew an alka-seltzer to add vomit like foam to your mouth.

9. Be self-centered: Be an open book and tell him all about your thoughts and ideas even how hackneyed they are. Be the center of the universe as you unceasingly talk about how dirty and smelly your feet are or whatever yucky topic you can think of. Every time you talk, always start with “I” and constantly shush him when he attempt to butt in saying you’re not yet finish and when you give him permission to talk, segue the topic over and over focusing it to your related experience.

10. Playing the STD card: Tell him to buy a fungal cream and when he ask, tell him that you are currently under medication for a sexually transmitted disease that is yet to be named. Pretend to recount how many sexual partners you had and show him pictures of horribly-looking men with whom you had relationships with. Don’t forget to ask him to accompany you to have your latest blood transfusion for your disease.

Well ladies, if the above mentioned remedies will not make your man run wild, then perhaps customize to the method that suits you best. Let the creative juices flow!