For my brotha!

Ok! While the girls have the suggested methods of shooing the guys off as provided on my previous post, I pondered that we guys have that capacity to say NO as well, right?

So, guys, it’s our turn.

1. I’m Gay: This line is a time tested alibi. Look her in the eye and tell her that you’ve peeked inside your soul, swam the deepest ocean of your heart and scaled the highest depths of your emotion and have found out that you like… man. If necessary, sob a bit with the frequent whimper to add effect to your Oscar award winning lie. If she’s going to say “it’s fine, I accept you!” then the drastic measure of telling her that you will undergo sex operation must ensue. If she is still persistent—RUN!

2. Be a Hominid: Going back to your ancestry won’t hurt you. Do not shave or even have your usual haircut till tiny critters will populate your body like a zoo. Let your natural odor be your own signature“AllSpice.” Brushing your teeth is a thing of the past and taking a bath is archaic. Let your body produce extra soil with the dead skin you shed. You might even discover your calling as a landscape artist-- that's shooting bird with a single stone.

3. Be uber sensitive: If being gay cannot give you the boot then emphasize sensitivity. Cry when you see the sun settle during dusk or when you pick a wild flower. Describe in full details what you are feeling when you see the colors of the rainbow or how blue the sky is. Rent chick flick films. [ Sleepless in Seattle, You Got Mail-- any Meg Ryan movies will do] Be an overly enthusiastic animal lover as well. Elaborate your emotions through dance interpretations and pantomime. Your main tool here is tears--cry very often. The key here is to tap your female instinct—if you have one.

4. Be a Mama’s Boy: Talk about your mother incessantly and blatantly compare her to your girl. Your first sentences must always be “My Mom always said or my Mom usually does…” and if that’s not going to bother her, try convincing your mom to go with you during dates.

5. Try Amnesia: Forget everything! Forget the important dates—your anniversary, her birthday or the day when she first saw you or your first kiss or her favorite song or her favorite food—EVERYTHING! Heck, try to pretend you forgot her name as well.

6. Be a Professor: Dissect each word she’s saying. Example: Your use of the intransitive verb is wrong or your use of the present participle –ing is a deliberate grammar slip. Or try to lecture her about quantum physics or the relativity of space and time. If she will not drool for boredom or pluck your eye for sheer disgust, then you still need improvement. Try Math! Caution: An IQ of Above Average is needed here, so any guy who thinks that Hawaii is a country must skip this number.
   

7. Be a Bum: Quit your job and ask her to support you. Let your beer belly grow into beauty by sitting on her couch and watching TV the whole day. If she’s not going to kick your fat ass outa there then there something brewing in her mind. Whatever it is…RUN!

8. Be Spiritual: Or pretend to be one. Say you are searching for a much deeper meaning in your life and have come to discover Priesthood as the answer to your overwhelming emptiness. Be ready to abstain bad habits and the dating scene for awhile. If this is hard then #1 above is much suited for you.

9. Be Narcissist: Enroll into the nearest gym and let yourself ogle to your own physique. When you two are having dates, look for a place with lots of mirror and always check the chiseled muscles of your triceps or biceps. Ask her if she thinks you are the most beautiful man alive. Always butt in to your conversation how good looking you are and how lucky she is to have you. If her eyes won’t popped with contempt then try #1 above.

10. Lets just be friends: Yes! The all time proverbial alibi. Only use this phrase when all your options run out. This is biohazard as it creates many mixed signals. Be prepared to answer her rebuttal: I am willing to wait should you change your mind or Am I not enough for you? Or Is there someone else or What have I done wrong, please tell me? Or…you get what I mean! Again, this is your last option. At least try first #1 above.

Okay! I hope I have shed light to this issue. These are only suggestions and must not be taken on face value. Be creative dudes. If being a sleazy scumbag [which most of us are] is not your innate personality, then ignore this post.

Till then!